Ain't Grammar Fun

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. (That is something up with which you should not have to put!)
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
7. Always avoid annoying alliteration. (Almost always.)
8. The passive voice is to be avoided.
9.  Nine: Be consistent.
10.  Writers should never generalize.
11.  Don’t use more words than necessary. Don’t repeat.  And don’t be redundant. It’s highly superfluous. And unnecessary too.  And annoying.
12.   Also, too, besides, never ever use repetitive redundancies.
13.   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
14.   Don’t never ever use no double negatives.
15.   Remember “i” before “e” except after “c” (except when eight feisty beige neighbors deign to seize a surfeit of weighty heifers or forfeit weird veins.)
16.  Up to 25% of people or more write nonsensical sentences.
17.  No sentence fragments.  No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
18.  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary (and not needed.)
19.  Don’t use no double negatives.
20.  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
21.  One word sentences?  Eliminate!
22.  Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
23.  Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
24.  Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.  Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
25.  Kill all exclamation points!!!!!!!
26.  Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
27.  Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.
28.  Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
29.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations.  Tell me what you know.”
30.  If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times; resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
31.  Puns are for children, not groan readers.
32.  Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
33.  Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
34.  Who needs rhetorical questions?
35.  Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
36.  Be more or less specific. More or less all the time.
37.  Contractions aren’t helpful and shouldn’t be used.
38.  Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

Things My Mom Should Have Told Me

Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster. 

Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold! 

Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking. 

Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking. 

To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up. 

For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting. 

Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic. 

Leftover Snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert. Simply chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream. Yummm! 

Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works. 

 Easy Deviled Eggs Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up. 

 Expanding Frosting When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving. 

 Reheating refrigerated bread To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

 Newspaper weeds away Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go. Cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers. 

 Broken Glass Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily. 

 No More Mosquitoes Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away. 

 Squirrel Away! To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it. 

 Flexible vacuum To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings. 

 Reducing Static Cling Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and ... guess what! ... static is gone.

 Measuring Cups Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out. (Or spray the measuring cup or spoon with Pam before using.) 

 Foggy Windshield? Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth! 

 Re-opening envelopes If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily. 

 Conditioner Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair. 

 Goodbye Fruit Flies To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever! 

 Get Rid of Ants Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed! 

 Dryer Filter Even if you are very diligent about cleaning the lint filter in your dryer it still may be causing you a problem. If you use dryer sheets a waxy build up could be accumulating on the filter causing your dryer to over heat. The solution to this is to clean your filter with with a toothbrush and hot soapy water every 6 months.

Terms for Groups of Animals

Anyone who spends a lot of time outdoors enjoying Nature no doubt spots many animals.  Here is a list of what groups of various critters are called:

A congress of baboons. (How appropriate!)

A herd of deer.

A pace of donkeys. 

A shrewdness of apes.

An army of ants.

The team of horses. 

A pack of wolves. 

A nest of rabbits.

A battery of barracudas.

A cete of badgers. 

A flock of sheep. 

A pod of whales. 

A sloth of bears. 

A quiver of cobras.

A band of jays.

A shiver of sharks.

A surfeit of skunks.

A drove of bullocks. 

A glint of goldfish. 

A colony of gulls. 

A swarm of bees.

A shoal of bass. 

A convocation of eagles.

A pride of lions.

A cloud of bats.

A sedge of bitterns. 

A brace of ducks. 

A dray of squirrels.

A pandemonium of parrots.

A pulchritude of peacocks.

A squadron of pelicans.

An obstinacy of buffalo. (Very true if you’ve ever been stopped by a bison-jam in Yellowstone National park!) 

A nest of vipers.

A coterie of prairie dogs.

A prickle of porcupines.

A gaze of raccoons.

A hill of ruffs.

A kaleidoscope of butterflies. 

A wake of buzzards. 

A clutter of cats.

A brace of mallards.

A charm of magpies.

A stud of mares.

A leap of leopards.

A singular of wild boar. 

A kindle of kittens. 

A drift of cattle.

A kine of cows.

A pitying of turtle doves.

A clash of bucks.

A chattering of chicks.

A ballet of swans.

A knot of toads.

A rafter of turkeys.

A dole of turtles.

A blessing of unicorns.

A pail of wasps.

A chime of wrens.

A descent of woodpeckers.

a gam of whales.

A wisdom of wombats.

A dazzle of zebras.

A bed of clams.

A brood of chickens. 

A mischief of mice.

A rout of coyotes.

A parade of elephants.

A bouquet of peasants (in flight.)

A cast of crabs.

A chain of bobolinks. 

A flight of pigeons. 

A mob of meercats.

A parliament of owls.

A raft of otters.

A herd of zebras. 

A school of fish. 

A congregation of crocodiles.

A cowardice of curs.

A trip of dotterel.

A wedge of geese (when flying in a "V “formation.) 

A troop of kangaroos. 

A covey of quail. 

A passel of opossums. 

A smack of jellyfish. 

A colony of beavers.

A bike of bees.

A slither of snakes.

A murmuration of starlings.

A fever of starlings.

A lamentation of swans.

A cloud of tadpoles.